grief so like fear
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Peter Parker deals with his grief with the help of those around him that loved Tony Stark too. Post-Endgame


It started as long walks around the neighborhood.

Peter couldn't stand sitting still during the best of times and this was the direct opposite of the best of times. There was so much anxious energy in his body and May understood that, so she didn't mind too much that he had taken to walking around Queens in the dead of night. So long as he kept his phone on him and responded to calls or texts within five minutes.

So, armed with his phone and his suit - worn under his clothes and a sweatshirt or two because he was cold, even though it was the beginning of May, he couldn't seem to shake a bone-deep chill - Peter wandered his neighborhood and the next one over and the next one over from that. He walked until he was tired and then walked some more because he couldn't sleep - didn't want to sleep unless it was one of those sleeps where you're bone tired and fall into a dreamless darkness.

But all of Peter's sleeps were full of nightmares and guilt and he didn't want to sleep.

So he walked.

And then it was closer to the middle of May and walking and being alone with his thoughts wasn't enough. He hadn't gone back to school - wasn't really sure what grade he was supposed to be in really - and he didn't want to see any of his friends. Ned knew his secret, but Ned didn't know what it was like to lose Mr, Stark. Neither did May, even though she tried and was better equipped to handle Peter's grief. But she still had her own grief. And Peter didn't want to be even more of a burden.

He wanted to talk about Tony and hear stories about him. But he was just Peter Parker who had only known Mr. Stark for a handful of years and while Peter thought of the man as a mentor (father figure, a sad little voice whispered in the back of his mind), the people closer to Tony and more important to him didn't need Peter hanging around. Even though Happy and Mr. Rhodes had said he was more than welcome to text or call, Peter felt funny about it.

So he's not really sure how he ends up in front of an unassuming house in a nice suburb of Long Island.

(Okay, so he knows how he ended up there. It involved a little digging through May's things to find the address and then a subway ride to the LIRR station and then a rattle-y train ride and then an unreasonably long walk, made longer by the fact that he misread the directions on Google Maps. But still.)

Anyway, he was standing in front of their house and all he could think about was Morgan Stark.

As much as Peter had lost when Tony had died, Morgan lost even more. He'd only met the little girl a handful of times - and he was in such a fog, he barely remembered most of those times - but he could tell that she had so much of his personality. It was hard to imagine that she was going to grow up without her dad.

He'd been 11 when his mom and dad had died and then 13 when Ben had died. Their deaths had been impossible to fathom, even years later. But he'd had time with them. Memories and stories and photos.

Morgan was barely five - her memory of Tony would fade. So would Peter's, for that matter.

It scared him.

He just wanted to maintain a connection. With the Avengers fractured and dead and old, and his classmates moved on to college Peter didn't know where he fit in anymore.

Before he could do anything, the front door of the house opened and Pepper Potts stuck her head out. She saw him immediately and gave him a searching look.

Peter fumbled forward, all awkward limbs and flailing hands. "Mrs. Stark - Ms. Potts - uh, um, Ms..."

"It's okay to call me Pepper, Peter," she said quietly, giving him a soft smile that was a little bit sad and a little bit affectionate. She opened the door further and rested her free hand on the door jamb.

"Uh, sure, okay, Ms. Pepper," Peter sighed, his mom's and Aunt May's lessons on manners never leaving him.

Pepper laughed lightly. "Come on in," she said gently, stepping back and gesturing Peter inside.

Peter went inside, letting the door shut behind him. There were toys all over the floor and he smiled a little - Morgan must've been having fun.

"How are you doing, Peter?" Pepper asked gently, gesturing for him to follow her into the kitchen. He does and almost immediately, tears spring to his eyes. There were pictures of Mr. Stark everywhere. It was nice, though, that there wouldn't be a chance of forgetting him.

Pepper caught the way Peter was looking around the room and sighed softly. "Tony loves - loved - having his picture taken." She chuckled lightly. "Made it very easy to find flattering shots to frame." Picking up a thin silver frame from one of the side counters, she passed it to Peter. He looked down to see a picture of Tony and Mr. Rhodes, looking impossibly young and making stupid faces at the camera while wearing crazy outfits. "And some less flattering ones," she grinned.

"He looks really young here," Peter said, voice a little choked up.

"He was," Pepper replied. She looked down at the picture and lightly traced Tony's smiling face. "He was maybe 16? 17?" she guessed. "I'm not entirely sure when this was taken - you should ask Rhodey - but he was 17 when he graduated MIT, so he's not any older than that."

"17?" Peter's eyes boggled out of his head. He had known Mr. Stark was a genius, but that was barely older than Peter's age now. Seeing a 17-year-old Tony Stark made it so real and not an abstract concept.

"Mhm," Pepper hummed, setting about to make Peter a snack. "Tony never let anyone forget it."

"That's crazy, Mrs. Stark!" Peter grinned, accepting the plate of cut up fruit and vegetables Pepper handed him. Pepper watched as he munched, looking very much like Morgan as he talked through the snacking. She leaned her elbow on the counter and rested her chin in the palm of her hand, smiling as Peter told her a story about one of his experiments with Tony. She'd heard the story before - from Tony's perspective.

"Mommy! Where's my rain boots?" Morgan came running into the kitchen - a hurricane in her own right - and skidded to a stop when she saw Peter. She twists her mouth and squinted at him a little, before scooting over to hold onto Pepper's pant leg.

Peter stopped talking and smiled at Morgan. Pepper brushed a hand over her daughter's head. "Morg, this is Peter. He's a friend of mine and Daddy's. Say hello," she gently coaxed the girl.

"Hi, Morgan," Peter leaned down and waved. Morgan peered at him around Pepper's leg and waved a little.

"Hello," she said quietly. Then she looked up at Pepper and tugged on her pant leg, curling her fingers up at her mom so Pepper would kneel down a little. Pepper obliged and Morgan whispered something in her ear.

"Sure," Pepper stood up, "we can go to the park. Do you want to see if Peter wants to come?"

She saw the way Peter's face fell a little bit as he concluded that he would most likely have to go home. It didn't seem like Peter wanted to go back to Queens just yet, and Morgan always loved having someone race her on the slide.

"D'you wanna come to the park?" Morgan asked, giving Peter a look out of the side of her eyes.

Peter nodded eagerly, like a puppy informed he was being taken on a walk. "I love the park. Swinging is great," he laughed to himself and Pepper rolled her eyes at the - inadvertent? - reference to his alter-ego. It was a very Tony move.

And then suddenly, Peter was taking Morgan to the park three or four days a week.

"Higher, Petey!" Morgan shrieked, giggling madly as Peter pushed her on the swings. Peter happily complied, sending Morgan soaring. He laughed along with her - feeling light and less dragged down by his grief.

They ran around the park, working off energy before going back to the house for dinner. Sometimes Aunt May joined them, chatting with Pepper while Peter and Morgan were at the park. The two women were close in age and had the worst of a shared experience. They got along like a house on fire and it freaked Peter out sometimes because now he got lectures from two mom-figures. But every time Pepper reminded him about his science project or Aunt May asked him to please remember deodorant before heading out in the suit, he couldn't hide a smile. It was nice, knowing that they cared.

Sometimes Peter couldn't get out of bed, overwhelming grief and guilt paralyzing him. On those days, Aunt May would call Pepper and then suddenly Morgan's smiling face would pop up on Peter's iPad. He would manage a few fake smiles as she chattered away, but the smiles would always transform into genuine ones by the time she would hang up an hour later. Morgan always made those days a little bit better, even if it was only for an hour.

And on those days where Pepper was so overcome with her guilt and grief, May would take Morgan, bring her back to Queens. Peter would get home from school and there would be a mini salon in the kitchen - Morgan painting May's nails, fixing her hair, painting make-up on her face. On those days, Peter ignored his homework and took a seat next to May so Morgan could make him 'pretty' too.

Sometimes Mr. Rhodes would join them for dinner at Pepper and Morgan's house. It was always "call me Rhodey, Peter," and stories about Mr. Stark. A new story every time. Morgan and Peter listening, rapt, as Mr. Rhodes spun a tale with only light censoring for the little ears. Those dinners were great. Peter always left them feeling a little sad that he had to learn these stories second hand, but excited that he was learning them at all.

Soon enough, it was the one-year anniversary and they were having a quiet dinner, sharing stories about Tony, about school, about work and Peter looked around the table and didn't feel quite so sad anymore.

Or at least, the sadness didn't feel as overwhelming with these people who had loved and lost Tony Stark - May and Pepper and Morgan and Mr. Rhodes - sharing his sadness.

* * *

_A/N: i really wanted to post this earlier, but i got sidetracked with other fics and just finished this the other night. i wanted to play a little with peter and his grief and the other people around him that knew and loved tony. it's not exactly how i imagined it, but i like it!_

_let me know what you think :)_


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